That question seems to be bothering me everytime now.  It’s been about 2 months since I first heard the alarm inside my head when it was first questioned.  Now, it keeps fading in and out my dreams, almost every night! (exaggerating..).  Honestly, I don’t know.  So stop asking.  Anyone? stop it.  I know I should think about it.  And hell yes, it keeps bothering me.

However, this problem actually turned out to be a quite turning point for me.  Ever since this hellish question floating around my head wherever I go, I can feel that I slightly use my brain for good thing (finally,,).   I started to be serious about things here.  I don’t want to spoil all this year I’ve been spending.  Even if I finally decide to go home, I can bring something from here at least.  Well, It’s not decided yet though.. I still want to be here, getting more than just bachelor degree.

My marks aren’t so good.  That is why I am still thinking if I want to stay here longer.  I need to find a scholarship, other than Monbusho, since my marks won’t be qualified.  So, there’s a big chance I won’t get any scholarship.  Which means, I can’t stay here.  It’s almost impossible to work part-time.

The other alternative, is to go home, find a job.  But this one is not less riskier than the previous.  There are several whatifs that I don’t know yet.  In fact, I can’t imagine what could turn out if I go home.  The other reason of not yet deciding on this is, I am afraid I will regret letting go graduate school in Japan.  Which I think, everyone think, is a huge chance.

BUt then, today, sempai said to me something that made me rethink, I need to take risk.  人生ってそんなもんだよ、リスクを冒さなかったら、後で後悔するよ。

Even if I failed to get any scholarship, I can just go home.. when the other choice is also unclear.  I think.

So? will I take the risk?

Bismillah. I will.

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